


Hold on

by andreea956



Series: Family [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Boyfriends, Break Up, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, Friendship/Love, M/M, Makeup, Mental Breakdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-27
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-27 03:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/657452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andreea956/pseuds/andreea956
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Are you ready to hold on to that love? Or it was never ment to be ......</p><p> </p><p>* So I have added a epilogue to this story.For those who read this you can just skip to last chapter for those who didn't well......what are you waiting for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whats the matter with you?

**Author's Note:**

> The events in this work did not happen in real life, they are fictional. Adam and Sauli are just characters in my works and have nothing to do with the real life personas.
> 
> This is my first fiction that i post.Any mistakes that you enconteur are mine because i have no beta and also english is not my first language.I also hope you enjoy my work.

“What’s the matter with you? “ Adam asked louder than normal 

“With me? What’s the fucking matter with you? “ Sauli yelled back as loud as Adam

“You know what? I’m out.i can’t do this anymore “ Adam announced walking towards the door

“Oh so you can’t do this anymore? Why don’t I just leave so you could be worriless?

“Maybe you should! “Adam responded while leaving the room

“Fine! Have it your way “ The Finn shouted after him and threw a pillow at the closed door

“Fine by me, see if I care “ Adam left the house with angry steps and mumbling

Sauli finally collapsed on the couch after hearing the frontdoor close and the familiar sound of a car leaving the driveway. Taking his head in his hands Sauli tried to sort out his feelings. There were so many emotions going on for him but at the top of the list were confusion, anger and hurt. Sauli felt like hitting something or rather someone. With slightly shaky fingers he got thru his contacts and dialed the number he was looking for. The one person that he could count on anything.

“Yes?” Questioned a sleepy voice at the other end

“Hi …I …..It’s me”

“Sauli is that you?” the voice was concerned now “is everything alright?”

“Yeah it’s me ….no” at the sound of no he finally let go of the impulse to cry and sob

“Sweetie what happened?” the voice of his sister was more awake now

“We had a fight and it is not the first time feel so……I don’t know”

“Let it all out Sauli. What was the fight about anyway?”

“I don’t know.Latelly we fight from the stupidest things and it ends with banging doors. I feel horrible, you know? I’m just so mad at him but at the same time scared to lose him.i’m scared that this fight is the one when he tells me to get out of his life”

“Oh sweetie it must be tough for you.i’m sorry”

“Yeah it is tough and you know why? Because he is the love of my life. He really is. I love this mad so much that I switched continents for him, left my family and friends. To think the nerve he has for screaming and bitching about me.” Sauli was starting to get mad all over again

“SAULI STOP” all off a sudden his sister interrupted his rage

“What? Why? What did I do?”

“You’re getting mad all over again. Leave that place. You need to get out” his sister clarified

“What I’m here pouring my heart out about how I’m scared that smug narcissistic bastard is the love of m…” Sauli was on Confused Train now

“Yes I’m telling you to leave cuz we both know you say things that you don’t mean when you are mad. I’m telling you to leave before it becomes worst. Pack a bag and leave for a day or two. This way you will both have tome to think and a clear mind when it’s time for confrontations”

“Yeah you are right. Thank you darling …I knew I could always count on you”

“Eh you’re welcome that’s what family is for. Now go and star packing. I will assist you thru it”

“Are you sure? I already woke you up and it is late then and tomorrow is a work day…”

“Shut up! I know you so don’t pretend I don’t. Now go pack before lover boy comes back and you get into bigger fights”

“ok ok mom I will go ……but what should I pack?”


	2. What will tomorrow bring?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 2.Tell me what you think or if you have advice.....

Sauli packet his bag while reminiscing stories from his childhood and teen years. He was grateful for his sister help. Talking and remembering took his mind from the fight and the hurt. After packing his bag for a three day stay and taking his personal things like: wallet, comb, thooth brush and paste along with other bathroom things. Finally with his laptop and iPod in his hand he locked the house with his spare key and took a cab. Sauli didn’t have a personal car and anyway he preferred to walk or take the public transportation. Sauli told the driver to take him to the furthers hotel from his home. 

The moment he went into the hotel room the silence finally got thru him, he finally broke down. He wept for all the fights they had, for his friends, for the family he left behind and finally for his heart because he knew that if Adam choose to end things he would be utterly heartbroken. Sauli spend his first day crying and eating Barnes and Jerry but as he ate the ice cream Adam came in his mind because that was his favorite dessert and Sauli just cried harder. He eventually cried himself to sleep. On the second day the Finn felt better, he engrossed himself in true blood and other Finnish shows and only cried a little, apparently junk food worked. On the third day the blonde opened the door in his mind that led to the fight, the door he kept tightly shut during yesterday. He realized that he didn’t know the reason they fought.Saully really missed his boyfriend; he felt like he lost him and that hurt so much. At the end of the third night the Finn decided that it was finally time to go home and acknowledge the elephant in the room.

In the morning Sauli checked his emails and Facebook ,Twitter account , nothing important just some friends asking about him ,some commercials and a notice that he had next week free. On his Facebook Sauli got a fan art drawing of him and Adam. In the drawing they looked in each others eyes and smiled a big cheesy smile. You could see the love radiating in their eyes, you’d have to be blind to not see it. Sauli bit back the tears, somehow he knew that today was the day he would either solve or end things with Adam. When you love someone you are there for them in every way you can and if that way was letting Adam go then so be it. Adam had his heart the moment they met and it will forever be his, Sauli could not love someone like he loved Adam. 

After taking a shower he finally left the hotel room. On his way out from the hotel he realized he didn’t check his phone at all in three days. No surprise when his phone was dead, he didn’t have a charger anyway. The entire cab ride the blonde had scenarios about Adam telling him to get out of his life for good. Every minute that passed he got more and more nervous. After paying the driver and getting his bags he turns towards the house. Nothing seemed changed about his house, no Adam’s house because he didn’t knew if it was his too anymore. He got his key from his pocket and and opened the front door. Once inside he put his bags on the floor and went in the living room.Sauli’s breath caught in his chest at the sight before him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another part tomorrow


	3. Talking isn't easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 3 everybody....next one tomorrow

There on the couch was Adam but he didn’t look good, in fact he looked misserable.He had bags under his eyes like he didn’t sleep in days, his skin didn’t had a healthy color and his hair looked like it needed a comb but the thing that scared Sauli the most were his eyes, they weren’t full of life and vibrant anymore, they looked tired, dull and sad. “Oh here it goes” thought Sauli.

“ummm hi “ greeted Sauli after some moments.

At the sound of his voice Adam seemed to snap out of what state he was into and runned towards Sauli. In 5 seconds Sauli was in his boyfriend’s warm embrace ant there was no other place he would rather be. Adam touch Sauli lightly everywhere: his torso, his arms, his shoulder and finally his face as if to the sure he was really there. After making sure that Sauli was really there Adam’s eyes went from worry to furious in 2 seconds flat.Thats when he started ranting.

“What is in your god dammed mind? Do you have any idea what I’ve went thru? I was worried out of my mind…I thought that something happened to you and here you are fucking cippy and saying hi after laying dead for three fucking days and I….” While ranting his voice got high and his hands were all over

“STOP” Sauli yelled removing himself from Adam’s space but staying in range.”My phone died and I forgot to check or charge it. I didn’t came here so we could fight. I was at a hotel”

“This is your adult way of approaching things? Fucking disappearing? When things don’t go your way? Cuz let me tell you…”

“Just stop accusing me for a second left because I didn’t want to fight no more. I left because I say stupid things when I’m mad, I didn’t want to say something I will regret .I left because I needed time to think. I don’t want to fight anymore Adam. I’m at the end of the road”

“What do you mean?” Adam confusion was genuine

“I mean that I don’t want to fight anymore. This is not a healthy environment for either one of us”

Adam combed a hand thru his hair “I know and I’m sorry for ranting on you the minute you walked in. It’s just that…I was fucking worried ok.You just left and none of your friend knew where. Your phone wasn’t working; I didn’t sleep at all in days. Don’t you ever do that to me I was worried sick.”

“I know and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have acted like that. I just thought that it was better that way.”

“I would have appreciated if you told someone where you are or just send a text: fuck off”

Sauli relised a giggle and the Adam realized how much he had missed that sound and it was not only about the last 3 days. He hasn’t heard it in a long time.

“Next time I will remember that but Adam I don’t want to be a next time. I don’t want to fight; it is not good for me or you”

“I know , I know babe”

Sauli relised a small smile “ You haven’t called me that in a while”

“Call you what?” Adam asked confused

Saul’s heart broke a little “Nothing. It didn’t matter”

“No tell me so that I would know. I can’t read your mind, don’t go pms on me”

Sauli just got mad and tolled everything that was on his mind and soul.  
“I shouldn’t tell you that you don’t call me babe anymore or other nickname for that matter or that you just ignore me. You don’t have time for anything and the times that you are home you stay in that stupid office and ignore me. Do you know how it is for me to find out from the internet that you hang out with this guy? Or that you went to shows while I’m at home waiting like a fool for you? Do you know how it is for someone to talk with you just to tell you to bring him something? And the fight over it. I’m not your fucking wife or housemaid. Do you know that I’m going to host a show in a week? Huh?” Sauli felt something wet on his face and only then realized that he was crying and he broke then altogether.  
“When was the last time we kidded, we had a meal together or just watched a movie? In months I tell you. The last time you kissed me was 3 weeks ago. I left my family for you, my friends and everything I know for you. I love you so god damn much but no more. I’m not a toy Adam, I have feelings and it is time for me to be selfish and I wi…”

Sauli didn’t got to finish his sentence because Adam was kissing him with all he got, hard and sloppy and desperate. The kiss grew in intensity. Adam licked Sauli’s lips, Sauli gasped and Adam took advantage to sneak his tongue in. They kissed like that for a minute.

“Adam stop. Kissing me now won’t magically make all the things go away. We need to talk”

Adam sighted, he would rather keep kissing Sauli “I know”

“Would you stop saying that? Adam do you have someone else? Do you love me anymore?”

“What? Why would you say that?”

“We don’t really talk anymore, when I talk to you, you either ignore me or get annoyed at me and then we fight. I don’t even really see you. I the morning I try to wake up earlier and in the nights to wait for you but you are not back and I fall asleep. We don’t really eat anymore, always saying that you already ate or it’s too late. So Adam do you have somebody? Adam?”

“No one” Adam responded hesitant and a little too late

“No one? You didn’t answer right away. Don’t you dare lie to me in the face”

Sauli waited for a comeback or something but it did not came.”I’m going to take my things” Sali lifted himself from the floor; he got there in his breakdown.” I will be out in an hour tops, I promise. I hope you will be happy with him “Sauli’s voice was flat

Adam opened his mouth as if to say something. He did that several times successfully looking like a fish. After a minute of him not saying a thing Sauli left to pack his things.


	4. Letting go

When he entered the bedroom he was hit with the smell of a combination of both their colognes. Holding his tears was very hard, his bottom lip was red from all the biting to told back the tears.Sauli was almost done when he heard his footsteps stop by the door

“I ah am almost done. I just need to search for something, be down in 10”

“Ok I ah… will be there”

“Ok”

This was their most awkward conversation from the moment they met. They had never before problems communicating thus of course about two months ago.Sauli just took the clothes he had when he came here and the ones he bought alone, Three pairs of shoes and electronics. Looking thru the picture box for the ones of his family and friends he saw lots of the two of them in various positions: smiling, kissing goofing for the camera but then he saw the picture from the haloween.The one in which Sauli was in Adams lap, hands around his neck and both of them similing.You could see how happy and in love they were, like it was only the two of them in the world. Two drops of salty water fell on the picture.Oh how happy they were and now look where they are.Sauli whipped his eyes and took the picture with him. The others he could let behind but this one he could not. He wanted to have something to remind him that he was happy once.Decening the stairs Sauli fixed his bag on the shoulder

“Ah … I am done…uh” 

Adam was on the couch, elbows on his tights and head in hands. He jumped a little at the sound of Sauli’s voice. There he stood in the doorway with a travel bag on shoulder. Adam’s heart ached at the sight

“Oh ah that is all you got? Don’t you need more time?

“No …this is all I need .I don’t need anything else, you could give them to charity or whatever. If I have forgotten something important I will call.” Suli put his hand in his back pocket “Oh here is the house key…so"

“Are you going back to Finland?”

“I don’t know. I will probably go to a hotel and then I suppose I will see in what time I leave.”

“Oh I suppose that is the normal thing to do”

Sauli was already at the door hands in his pocket and looking down.Sauli never looked down

“I guess that this is it. Hope your plans for the future work”

“Sauli” Adam yet again hesitated

“Goodbye Adam .Have a nice life and I hope you two will be happy”


	5. What will he do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is chapter 5 and tomarrow is the grand final stay tuned

The moment Sauli got in the cab he let go of the tears that were ready to burst from his eyes. The driver let him cry his sorrow and drove to a hotel that he though it was not picey.In the hotel room he finally put his phone to charge and collapsed on the bed. He cried to exhaustion until he fell in a restless nap. He woke op because of a loud noise, it was his phone. He picked up without looking at the caller

“Ye…” his voice cracked because how sore his throat was “Yes who is it?” He asked a little better this time

“Sauli man that you? It’s Tommy”

“Umm yeah it’s me. What is it?”

“Nothing man just wanted to see how you’ve been. Sauli are you ok? Cuz you sure don’t sound like you are” The concern in Tommy’s voice was genuine

“Um …I will be ok….eventually. Adam and I called things off that’s all”

“Whaat? You’re joking right? Why? Where are you?”

“I’m not joking.Im at a hotel Sally something”

“But why did you? Want me to come get you to my place?

“Lots of thing. No don’t come for me. I would like some time alone to think but thanks”

“Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”

“No no I would like some peace but I appreciate the thought”

“Yeah .Hey Sauli listen it gets’s better. You have friends. We are your friend because of you not because you’re Adam’s boyfriend”

“I hope so. You are a good friend Tommy”

“Yeah man no problem. Call you later and you better pick up or else I’m going there”

“Yeah yeah I will.”

“Bye man”

“Bye”

Sauli got a couple more text from friends and family His sister called him but he only replied her text. He couldn’t trust his voice. The Finn took the hotel’s offer of alcohol. After a bottle wine the heartbroken man got drunk and forgotten about his broken heart. He passed out a little after midnight into a restless sleep and woke up several times from nightmares, too painful memories and awful headache. About 7 am he woke up yet again to go to the bathroom and also to take some medicine offered by the hotel for his hangover. In the end it was 11 when he finally woke up. His head was now only a buzz but his mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper. After reliving his bladder Sauli got in the shower. His shower took a good 40 minutes because his movements much slower. The shower helped him a lot, his muscles felt better as was his head. While in the shower the problem of whether he would go to Finland or stay in the us popped in his head. He would have to stay here for at least a month because of this event and other small jobs. And there was the fact that he fell in love with LA.He decided that he will stay until all his jobs were done and then decide. Rubbing a towel on his head Sauli got his mobile and was about to check his emails when a knock came from the door.Weierd he did not order room service and was not expecting someone. The blonde decided to answer anyway, might as well get over with. It was probably a misunderstanding.Opening the door Sauli dropped the towel that he was holding. There in the doorway stoop the reason of his happiness, home, hurt and misery. There stood Adam

 

“ A…Adam?What are you doing here? Something happened?”


	6. What are you doing here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of my little story .I hope you enjoy it and thank you for sticking with me till the end..........

“Sauli I need to tell you something. Can I come in?”

“Yes yes get in I suppose”

Now that the shock of seeing Adam was over he got a good look at the singer. Adam looked a little better, he shaved and showered and his hair was Adam Lambert style once again. His face was deprived of any makeup and for Sauli he didn’t look more beautifull.It also seems that he has got a couple more hours of sleep. Sauli also observed that…

“Is that a guitar case?”

“Umm yeah I kinda need it to say what I want” Adam was suddenly bashful

“I ah…. “ Sauli tried to tell Adam that he didn’t understand why…

“No please let me say this and don’t interrupt me. I wrote this song for you in the time you were gone. I hope this song will tell you what I couldn’t yesterday or the days before. I’m sorry and I know you don’t like when people say that but I really am”  
Adam got out the guitar and got comfortable on the bed and started to sing “Cold as ice and more bitter than a December winter night that’s how I treated you…”.The song was beautiful, so full of soul and feelings and words that could not be said but what made it more beautiful was the emotions in Adam’s eyes and the guitar. The tears were sliding down Sauli’s cheeks at the end of the song

“I’m sorry baby, please don’t leave me” Adam pleaded

“But Adam you got…” Sauli runned to his love and took him in his arms

“There is no one baby but you, there never was. I love you; you are my light thru darkness. I’m lost without you” Adam was crying now too and hugging Sauli very tight

“But all those late night and parties and fights” 

“I was stupid. All those nights and days and parties were for the album. I thought that if I go to those things and make acquaintances it will help my album. What a fool I was. I had everything I needed and wanted all my life and I ignored it and took it for granted. I’m sorry; it was never my intension to hurt you or to make you feel less worthy than you are. I’m sorry for snapping at you and being a monumental dick and I also feel bad for snapping at you yesterday. It’s just that I was so worried for you. All I could think was that you left me or what if something happened to you. I’m sorry for being a selfish and shitty boyfriend when all you did was be there for me and offering me all you had. Please don’t leave me although I would dump my own ass if I was you” Adam was breathless by the end of his speech and Sauli’s heart was beating out of his chest.

“Yeah you deserve the Golden Dick award. I though you didn’t play guitar”

“I don’t. Tommy spend all day yesterday teaching me how to play so I could properly apologize”

“He was there? He called me, said he will call back but never did”

“Yeah let’s say he gave me a piece of his mind in regard to our fight”

“Forgiven” The word came so easy out of Sauli’s beautiful mouth

“What?” Adam was surprised

“I forgive you for being a shitty boyfriend and I will not leave you. I love you too god damned much to leave you. I’m selfish like that and I want you all for myself. You are the love of my life Adam. We have to make thing work and talk about our issues because I don’t think I could go thru that again. It was hell”

With cheeks full of tears they finally kissed. The kiss was soft and tender in the beginning and then grew in intensity. Sauli opened up for Adam and got more comfortable on his lap. They fought for dominance but Adam won the battle and laid Sauli on his back on the bed on his back. It felt like heaven to make out like teenagers after the hell that they’ve been thru. It ended after Adam really needed air and to ask something, with on last gentle peck

“Why did you take that picture? The Halloween one?” Adam really wanted to know why, that picture was one of his all time favorites.

“Because I wanted something to remind me that I was once happy and that I had the world at my fingers”

“I understand. Why didn’t you take the rest of your things?”

“Its silly but those thing reminded so much of US.I couldn’t move on if I hade constant reminders, I didn’t wanted them, the constant reminder of what I could have and what I had plus those thing resemble American Sauli so to speak”

“I’m sorry baby, I promise to not ignore you like that ever again. I promise to talk about what is going an and to not hide my feelings”

“And I promise the same”

They made out for some time and then make sweet vanilla love, slow and gentle and full of hones feelings. In the afterglow of their lovemaking they discussed about all the thing that they have missed from the other’s life and made yet again promises to never let it get this bad ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ....what do you think? It was good ,it was bad?


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided that this story needed an epilogue and i was kinda redrawned to it and wanted to give it a better ending.Please don't hate me too much for all the drama and angs.

Sauli was on his bed silently crying and gazing at old photos of him and Adam.So much time has passed but every time he opens this photo album he always ends up in terars.So much memories and adventures,so much love and heartbreack.It has been 10 years since his bog fight with Adam,a fight that almost killed him but now he was better, the sting was since then long gone.The photo he was admiring was one from their early days of relationship,almost at the very begining.Sauli was bent over Adam and whispering something in his ear,they weren't aware of the photo being take.Flipping the page, this photo was from the first time he met Adam's mother.He had been a wreck the,so nervous and awkward but Leila was so sweet and gentle that he easily loosened him up.Near that photo was a photo of him and Leila sipping cocktails on the beach with ridiculously big hats and sunglasses,that was his first vacation with her.

In this photo was Tommy and his the first time they met.Sauli was cautions of him then because of all the adommy rumors and fans obsession but it turns out that Tommy was a cool guy and a fierce protector.He may have threatened him once or twice on cutting his balls if Sauli breaks Adam's heart.Lately they haven't been speaking much.Sauli didn't knew when he was more of a wreck ,when he met Adam's mom or his dad.Eber was even bigger than Adam and Adam was not little at all.Sauli thought that Eber was so intimidating,like a grumpy bear out on the watch but really on the inside he was a teddy bear.So many memories, so much time has gone.He misses those days,he longs for those days,he wishes he could go back to those days.

As years passed his desire to go back to his begging with Adam lessened and lessened,he could not turn back time so the only thing he had to do was to stay in the present.A tears fell on his cheek,this was his Halloween with Adam,the one where he was seated on his lap and both of them had ridiculous smiles on their faces.They were like a kid in a candy store with unlimited funds.They could live out of each others love ,food was overrated anyway.The first time Adam took him to Disney he was so mesmeriesed by every thing,every thing was XXL sized in America,including Disney.This next photo stopped his heart,after all those years it still had the power to hurt him, he didn't knew why he put it there,maybe he was a masochist.It was the photo before his fight with Adam,the one that changed every thing and ripped his heart right out of his soul.To this days,the memory of those days are one of his dreaded memories if not the most,for some reason he could not fully get past it.With time the pain went away but from time to time, when he opened the door to those memories,because Sauli was ma masochism,the pain and loss will come back,not as strong as then but still pain.In this particular photo he and Adam were standing on opposite sides of the couch,with his legs almost touching Adam's lap.Danny took it as a joke,They both looked like crap and full of tension.Another tear gets away,by now Sauli was sniffing his nose and wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.You could clearly see that something was wrong.Sauli was so far down memory lane that he didn't even hear the stairs crack due to heavy steps.

"Sauli baby,why are you crying?" Adam asked concerned. God after all those year he still looked gorgeous.He was 42 and had Sauli on his heels for him.Sure he had a little crow feet at the eyes and a little more pounds that at the begining.Sauli didn't look as piscine as he once was but he loved Adam's little pauch.  
"Nothing bad,just looking through old photos and memories" He replied sniffing  
"The ones when we almost broke up?" Sauli nodded " oh you silly man, why do you always go there.You always end up crying" Adam's arms were so comforting, he buried his face in Adam's neck  
"I don't know, I was just melancholic but it is our past and struggles"  
" It is,but things are better now, things are the best"  
Looking up in Adam's eyes he confirmed "Yeah, they are"  
"Love you daddy,my silly husband"  
Sauli smiled "I love you too , so much, so so much, forever ever "  
After their big fight they both worked so hard to maintain their relationship, to be there for each other,to be sincere and always show the other that even thought they may not say it, they sure loved the other.Of course they had bumps on the road and other fight,it was normal, and with every kick they got stronger and stronger.They were more in love than ever before.Looking at the photos in front of him,he smiled.It was a photo from his wedding day.Tomorrow they will have their eight year aniversary.Next to the photo of his wedding was the first photo of their family.The day that they adopted two tween girls,Lose and Halle.They will be seven in two months.


End file.
